Last week, we had our good friend Zach over, who asked my husband and I a simple question:
“What do you wish that you knew about each other before getting married?”
Our question was specifically about each other, but it got me to thinking. We just passed our first wedding anniversary, what would I tell to newly married or engaged women that I have learned within our marriage as well as from those around us. I am choosing not to title this a “what I wish I knew…” post, because I don’t want it to have a negative connotation. None of these things would ever have changed my mind about marrying my dear Patrick, but have been building blocks to our relationship. This blog is a very honest blog post, a little window right into our hearts.
Upon making my list, I also asked Patrick to make one for newly married or soon to be husbands. I thought this might be an interesting comparison.
- Thinking about two people, all the time, is exhausting. Every decision that you make, all the sudden has another person’s desires and opinions attached to it – it takes work to find a balance. Lord, help me when we multiply.
- Don’t be afraid of sex. This might seem like an unexpected one to some people. But sex, when outside of marriage carries a heavy guilt and burden on a struggling heart, it’s hard to come to the understanding that God has created you, as husband and wife to KNOW each other, intimately and otherwise. Everything that you learned in the much more conservative church upbringing about being a sin to “want” for, is all the sudden encouraged and expected (in a positive way). It’s challenging to wrap your head around the switch in mindset, but trust in the Lord, because he knows your heart and your husbands.
- The first fight will likely be a big one. If it’s anything like ours, pillows will be thrown, doors will be slammed, tears will be cried (and probably all of those by you). Don’t doubt your strengths as a couple. It is not the be all and end all of fights – and it was likely caused by something as simple as a dirty dish.
- In a world of social media and quick text messages at your finger tips – trust, transparency and honesty are key – and by key, I mean, non-optional. We’ve been very open with each other since day one, and it has saved us while we’ve watched other couples without these crumble.
- Your fridge will constantly be in disarray since you both put the milk in a different spot.
However open you thought that you were with your spouse before, there is a whole new level when it comes to marriage. There will be days when you think that you spouse is the grossest human being – and vice-versa. Mostly the other way around though, as girls poop doesn’t actually smell like roses.
As a wife you must be fearlessly prepared to call anyone at anytime. As your husband, once signing the marriage license, may experience selective amnesia on how book any sort of appointment. I remember one time, he asked me to book a hair appointment for him… while he was holding his phone in his hand – that was the last time that he ever asked me to book a hair appointment for him.
- Pray more than you fight. If you have a day where you bicker all day long, pray just same, and then all the next day.
- The fruits of the spirit are challenging to live by. I always seem to forget about the self-control one… Don’t forget about self-control.
- Kiss him as much as he desires, and then a little more.
- One day, you’ll wake up next to your deep sleep breathing, snoring husband – and realize that you’ve found the perfect Darth Vader to your Audrey Hepburn.
Patrick’s list is a little shorter than mine and straight to the point – which fits perfectly into who we are as a couple. He starts out with some sweet words of wisdom (“He’s so dreamy” I think to myself, as I blush and fan my face.)
Don’t get caught up in the media’s perspective on marriage, it’s important to separate yourselves from that. Take a step back to evaluate marriage through God’s perspective, your perspective and your wife’s perspective – then come together with a marriage that is unique to you as a couple. A strong marriage is 100% from each spouse, not 50/50.
- Cleaning the house is both your responsibilities.
- Bobby pin infestations. They are everywhere.
- You don’t have a side of the bed that is yours anymore.
- Collecting China is a thing and cabinets are required to store it.
- Blackened bananas shouldn’t be thrown out, they should be frozen for banana bread.
- Anything you wish to purchase must pass the “but do you need it?” question. Anything she wishes to purchase should not be questioned.
- There are several ways to do things. Your way isn’t the only way.
- She will have a stash of candy somewhere in the house. Leave it alone, she knows the exact quantity of each item.
- She does not have to like your sports team, and will quite often cheer for whatever colour she’s “feeling” that day.
- You’re no longer deciding for one, but for two. Always take her thoughts and feelings into consideration when trying to make any decision, serious or otherwise.
Right away you can see the difference in our perspectives as husband and wife. Mine is very much a list about dealing with emotions and all of the “feels”, where his is more of a “dude, this is how it is” list. Our first year of marriage has been relatively easy in comparison to some other stories that we’ve heard, but that doesn’t mean that it didn’t take a lot of work to get to where we are today. The Lord has worked heavily in both of our lives in the past year while adjusting to life as a team. It is a journey of 100/100 and we’ve just begun!
Dear Heavenly Father,
I life up each and every one of these new marriages to you. I pray that they will fall deeply in love with you Father, to seek you in the joys and the hardships in their marriage. I pray that you will cover them with your grace in abundance and bless them in the years ahead.
In Jesus’ name,
Jeremiah 29:11 says:
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”