Who am I?

blogphotosmallI’ve been debating what I should write for my next blog post. I have some ideas coming up but they require a little more research before I am able to finish them. Then it hit me, I don’t think that I’ve fully introduced myself yet.

Hello. It’s so wonderful to meet you – thank you for following Let go, Fear less, Trust more. My name is Brenna. I am very imperfect and flawed – made perfect only through the grace and love of Jesus Christ. Here is my testimony.

I was born and raised in a Christian home, surrounded by loving parents and 3 sisters. I first accepted Christ during a church day camp when I was 8 years old – although, I had a  biblical understanding of what Jesus had done for me, I had little practical knowledge of my own death and destruction in the world of sin.  I lived an amazing youth – filled with demonstrating the love of Jesus through friendships, school and summer camps – both as a camper as well a counsellor. Those were the days. The joy given to me by Christ was totally contagious. It was a time in my life where the only emotion that I ever really felt was this high of happiness.

Unfortunately, after this high of happiness – there also came a time of deep, DEEP lows. In my early 20’s I was in a relationship that started out great, but time told a different story. When that relationship had finally come to an end – I was totally different. I doubted my value as a woman, my belief structure, that my opinions even mattered and most importantly, I doubted that I was even saved (HOW could a God who claimed to love me so much, allow me to go through a relationship that caused so much damage and hurt?) I decided that if this was what male Christianity was, I didn’t want anything to do with it. I walked away – far, far away.

It was easier to feel nothing at all then to deal with the deep sense of emptiness in my heart. So I did. I felt numb for a whole year. I faked the laughter and smiles – all while crawling into my bed alone and in tears every night. I lived solely to survive. The faster I was going into the ground the better. I hurt people. I hurt my friends with my lack of loyalty and honesty. I crumbled from my very core. I lived in the darkness without Christ for the first time in my life, jumping from one temporary high to the next.

One night, in a dream, I saw myself from the outside looking in. I saw just how desolate my life had become. The next day, I emailed my pastor, “asking for the friend…” as I sought out a female Christian counsellor. I was able to connect with one, who was so kind and compassionate. She walked me through the trauma that I was refusing the deal with – it was hard and painful – worse than the feeling of numbness. She helped me work through what God’s truths were against the lies that I had been fed in the past. That I was  loved SO deeply that Jesus gave himself up for me. That my worth would never come from those around me, men or otherwise, that the only value that would ever matter was my value in Christ – created in his own image (Genesis 1).

I slowly started to come back. Nearing the end of 2013, I went over to my parents house – and as I was watching television with my mom and dad, I asked, while feeling so small, if I could move back in with them. My parents have never, ever not been there for me. My dad, although I could see on his face, a slight disappointment as they were so close to finally being empty nesters, turned up the television and responded with “hmmm, where are we going to park all the cars?” There was never a question of whether I would be welcomed back home for him, there was only the logistics of vehicles to think about.

Finally back home, where I felt much more accountable for my actions, I had a dream. A crazy dream, that even when I woke up, I couldn’t get out of it. There was noise, static and the sound of battle. I had overwhelming sense (tears streaming down my face, just as I’m remembering this moment) that the Lord was fighting my demons for me. He was literally fighting my battle for me because I was too weak to fight for myself. He LOVES me, He CARES for me, He FIGHTS for me. I am worth more. It was there, in my midst of this, that Jesus Christ became my Saviour – when I lived through death, destruction and despair – he fought for me. It was here that I understood the meaning of the Gospel. It was here that Romans 8:37-39 became a reality.

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, no powers, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (CSB)

I gave my life back to Christ, wholly this time, aware of the desolate despair that awaited me without him.

Shortly after this, my husband and I started dating, then were married 6 months later. A man, that God was working in and continues to work in, a true man of God – not afraid to show his vulnerabilities to the me and to his Heavenly Father. A man who loves deeply, leads fiercely and serves humbly. A man, who I didn’t think existed, was here before me. He was waiting for me just as the Lord had promised.

We continue on our adventure together, both growing and thriving in God’s grace. I never, ever would have imagined that I was worthy of this life that the Lord has blessed me with, because on my own, I am not – but with Christ, I am.

Thank you for reading my testimony, for following my story and for living to thrive in Christ alongside me!

 

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