You think that those feelings are going to go away. The way that he made you feel when he looked at you with those determined eyes, the words that he used to be demeaning to you echo in your ear. They bring up feelings of fear, disconnection, and doubt in yourself. It’s been years since I’ve seen him face to face.

The days for me are now fewer and farther between. But they still come, the devil still pursues me using the voice that he knows will make me shake. Just a couple of nights ago, I swatted my husband’s hand away from around me while in a dream because in my dream it wasn’t my husbands hand – it was my past – coming to take the life out of me. Despite my freedom in The Lord, the awesome counselling and the change of lifestyle, I realize that the devil is never going to stop pursuing me. He’s never going to stop telling me that I don’t deserve to have made it out the other side. Maybe he’s telling you the same thing.

I’m here to tell you, that you of all people deserve to have made it out of the emotional bondage that he put you in. You matter. Your opinions matter. You are of value on your own. You were created to be courageous. You are fiercely loved by The Lord. You, are a daughter of the King.

The closer that we get with The Lord, the harder the devil is going to fight for us. Be aware, the devil doesn’t always fight in dramatic ways like the movies tell you. No, the devil fights in little whispers. “You’re not as good as you think”, “you hold no value”, “you’re not worth it”, “you’re never going to be good enough, skinny enough or pretty enough to be loved”. He plays mind games.

The Lord stands in front of us, he protects us, but that doesn’t mean that you won’t face these fears, it means, that you won’t face them alone.

This week in our life group we studied the story of Moses, who through the glory of God freed the Israelites from slavary under the Egyptians.  After they were freed, The Lord brought them in plain view of the Egyptians, who came after them. The Isrealites cried out in fear, saying that it would have been easier for them to have stayed slaves then to be brought back after freedom. Moses responded with “The Lord will fight for you, you need to only be still.” (Exodus 14:14) God opened the sea for the Isrealites to cross through, and when the Egyptians followed them, God let go of the waters. If the Isrealites hadn’t turned back and faced their biggest oppressor, they would not have been completely freed.

Jesus paid the price for you for be free from sin. When the devils comes a knocking, The Lord will fight for you.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I come before you today holding my fear, my doubts, my insecurities and my demons. I pray that you will take hold of my heart and my life. I trust that you will give me the strength in Jesus’ name to fight against my worst oppressor, the devil.  I pray that the whispers in my ears and my mind will be drowned out by your voice, telling me that I need to only be still. I know that you are Lord. Thank you God for wanting me, for loving me, for creating me. Thank you for saving me. Lord, may your will be done in my life.

In Jesus name,
Amen.

Let go, fear less, trust more.

B.

Since my last post – almost a year ago. My life has changed drastically.

I moved home – in the physical sense and the spiritual sense. I lost friendships and relationships that I thought at time I’d never loose. God works in mysterious ways. And he’s most likely working during the time that you’re the most angry with him for what you think is abandoning you. Once I gave my heart back to God in search of Grace and the life that he has planned out for me, he opened my eyes to a whole to new world (enter in sing-a-long and dance number). He had been preparing my heart to meet my husband, as he’d been preparing his heart to meet mine. I’ve never trusted God’s timing more than that moment – 7 months later we are married.

One year later from when I originally started this blog, I find myself in a completely different life, with a different name and a different purpose. Trusting the Lord with every step that we take, despite its difficulty.

Let go, fear less, trust more.

Love,

B.

This past weekend I had to make an extremely hard decision. A decision that I had been tossing up for the last couple months. I thought I had already decided on it, but last Sunday while at my parents I discovered that I hadn’t.

I have put everything that I could into my apartment in the last year. I love this place more than most people love their houses even. It has character, it has stories and its perfect for my old soul. Unfortunately, the timing is not right. When I moved out last year I knew that it would be a struggle and it has been to say the least. The lives of my room mate and I have created many sleepless nights. Constantly seeing life and love through multiple different sets of eyes. The bills pile up and the account rarely has any extra in it. But I did it. For the last year I have budgeted, made mistakes and lived my life – and loved it.

With that being said, in order for me to move forward,  I need to take a couple of steps back. Its a hard move. How do you admit yourself that you might have started down a road that in the beginning was smooth and inviting, but now has seemingly endless pot holes. Is it possible to do it? Absolutely it is,  but I have been blessed with a family that never stops caring about me. And a father who always seems to be right.

Last Sunday while at my parents house it all the sudden dawned on me that this is where I need be right now. I didn’t know how they were going to react. I knew that my mother would have a makeshift bed made up for me that night if I wanted it, my father on the other hand, is always slightly difficult to read.

After sitting upstairs trying to figure out a way to pose this to their advantage (perhaps my unlimited wireless internet might entice?), contemplating if I should come right out and tell them, or just slowly move my stuff back in and see if they notice.

I walked downstairs, sat on the couch beside my dad, spead my arm over the back of the couch and used the ever popular “Hey Faja, how much do you love me?” line. He responded with “what is it you would like my dear?” I responded with “…if you could just hang my curtains…” (a little inside joke to smooth the way into every parents nightmare.) “Just kidding, I’d like to move home.” Faja smiled, a stiff little smile, as he pointed the remote towards the TV and turned up the volume.

After he sat there for a bit, seeing his freedom 55 get pushed further and further away, he responded with “where are we going to park all the cars?”

I’ll take that as a yes.

Here’s to a year of new challenges, adventures and a much more populated living space. Shower schedule anyone?

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares The Lord , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Let go, fear less, trust more.

B.

Today was just one of those days. I got up and napped. We went out to a couple of costume parties last night – which turned into a longer night then I’m used to! I like to be all cozy in my bed by 10pm at the latest. I often forget that most people my age don’t start their nights out until then.

I was getting a little bit hungry when I went adventuring into my fridge. After grocery shopping a couple weeks ago – in a rush and attempt to get all the cold stuff in the fridge I picked up a grocery bag and tossed it in there with the thought of “I’ll separate that stuff later.” As most of you are probably aware and likely do the same thing, if you’re using the word “later” it’s unlikely that later will ever come.

I moved the grapes and remembered that I had bought bananas. I’m not a big fan of bananas. It’s a texture thing for me. But if I don’t eat them, I’m tormented by these terrible Charley Horses. So I like to put them into smoothies or on a sandwich with peanut butter.

Needless to say, the bananas were done. They were not longer eatable in smoothies or with peanut butter and bread. I was devastated. As I took them out of the fridge and put them into the freezer I thought to myself, I’ll make some banana bread later. There was that word again, later. The previous set of bananas in the freezer were screaming at me, “Later is a lie!”. I felt like I had betrayed my poor fruit friends. Never using them for their purpose. So I broke off three of the bananas and pulled out a recipe.

I hauled our mixer off the windowsill, cleaned it all up, searched for the mixer spoon like things and plugged it in. I’ve only ever made banana bread once before – also because of my ignorance of putting my groceries away properly.

First line of the recipe – “You will not need a mixer for the recipe”

Todays baking lesson is Read the Recipe First.

After putting the mixer away I pulled out a large bowl and a wooden spoon. I carefully laid out my ingredients, measuring them into separate bowls. Some people take the ingredients out as you need them. This method doesn’t work for me and I’ll tell you why. I am naturally messy – untidy I feel like would be a better word. My house is normally in order – but this is not an easy task for me. Everything that I use is a struggle and I need to tell myself everyday – now you’ve used this put it away. For some, this comes naturally. For me, it’s a constant choice. Later doesn’t work for me. So I measure out all of my ingredients, then I put them away before I even start baking. Less of a mess for me and more counter space! Double positives.

Here is the recipe that I used!

http://www.simplyrecipes.com/m/recipes/banana_bread/

• 3 or 4 ripe bananas, smashed
• 1/3 cup melted butter
• 1 cup sugar (can easily reduce to 3/4 cup)
• 1 egg, beaten
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• Pinch of salt
• 1 1/2 cups of all-purpose flour

Method of Baking

No need for a mixer for this recipe. Preheat the oven to 350°F (175°C). With a wooden spoon, mix butter into the mashed bananas in a large mixing bowl. Mix in the sugar, egg, and vanilla. Sprinkle the baking soda and salt over the mixture and mix in. Add the flour last, mix. Pour mixture into a buttered 4×8 inch loaf pan. Bake for 1 hour. Cool on a rack. Remove from pan and slice to serve.

 

It worked really well for me. It was simple and delicious. I photographed the process for you!

Later will rarely ever come. So go ahead and make the banana bread.

But just remember that much as a recipe is to baking, we have a guideline too. God’s word is there to help us not to hinder us. Don’t let it loose its value in todays world.

Read it so that you’ll be prepared for what life throws at you – you are not alone in your struggles.

Let go, fear less, trust more.

xo, B.

If there is one thing I learnt while being in New York – it’s that people rarely smile on the subway. They’re all plugged in separately. If I were them, I’d be too. In between the squeaking, screeching breaks and the people walking up and down the subway begging for money – I’d probably want to tune out too.

I’m a people watcher – it’s a habit passed down from generation to generation of Reillys, we’re people watchers. I can’t help but find people to be so interesting. How they act, the way they move, walk, talk – everything. And New York is the best place for people like me. (See me, down there in the middle amongst the craziness!)

The odd person I would see smile – somebody who was handing out pamphlets about Jesus…they smiled, but that was it. Everyone had their phones. Which I understand; I am a phone person – I am on my phone 98% of the time almost, it’s where I work, it’s what I do. But in New York I didn’t have my phone with me. I chose not to add-on a travel package but really just go and be in the moment (and not cost me a million dollars.)

But it really gave me the opportunity to take it all in. People were constantly listening to music on their phones, reading books, the bible, playing Candy Crush. My lanta – I can not even tell you how many people were playing candy crush. I’m sure that if you set up shop in the subway with a rehab centre for Candy Crush addictions – you’d make a ton of money.

Apart from that but not completely unrelated – there was an incident on a train in San Francisco where a man brought a gun onto the subway/train. He pulled it out of his jacket pocket, pointed it out in front of him as if to warn people – but everyone was so absorbed in their devices doing God knows what on their phone that no one noticed it. That is until he shot a random university student.

(http://talkingpointsmemo.com/news/man-brandishes-gun-on-san-francisco-train-riders-absorbed-in-their-phones-don-t-notice)

I realize that this is a generalization – but from what I experienced – it’s a pretty spot on one. I couldn’t believe it. There are tons of things that I don’t notice while I’m on my phone. I am terrible for that, and I know it. I need to change. But you’d never think that you could be so absorbed by something as to miss a gun. When I think about myself in that situation I think, “of course I would see somebody with a gun, how would I not see somebody with a gun.” And I am sure that if anyone had heard that story on the news and they were not in that subway that they would say, “Well if I was there, I would have seen him. I would have saved that kid. I would have stopped him.” But to be honest, that’s probably not the case. You probably wouldn’t have. You probably also would have been on your phone – as I would have too.

Take note that I always have an electronic device attached to my hip, I love social media and everything that goes along with it. I find it hard to find time for God. I really do. I find getting up for church on Sundays a real struggle for me. I would much rather be editing, building my business – a multitude of things – heck, I would even rather watch Netflix then get up some Sunday mornings and take myself to church. And maybe that subway example is a call out to how we are a Christian community.  We’re so absorbed by our own little worlds that we’ve created in a palm of our hands that we don’t even see it when the devil is coming up, we don’t even see when he’s going to attack – despite the warning signs.

While driving home from a wedding on Saturday night, I was listening to the band All Sons and Daughters – which I’ve mentioned on here before – they are fantastic. I am not always the best in my Christian life – I make mistakes everyday. But listening to Christian music is sometimes the only thing that keeps me going to tomorrow. Constantly reminding me that Jesus is awesome, He is a saviour. That I am forgiven. That I am a daughter to the Most High. And that I am loved.

They have this song called “Wake Up”, and I was thinking about it, as I was listening to it and the lyrics go,

“Wake up, wake up, wake up
wake up all you sleepers
Stand up, stand up
Stand up all you dreamers”

And its true. We have to wake up as a community, as a faith and as Christ’s body we have to see this. We’re just living in these worlds quite literally in the palm of our hands, in the little dream worlds – and we’re happy, we’re content in that. We need to see that this dream world is not real – that there is a huge world out there that is not remotely in our hands. Thank the Lord that it’s in his hands, because we would be even more of a serious mess if it wasn’t. Bad things are going to happen – we can’t stop them all and a lot of them are out of our control. But there are some that are within it. Some that we as humans and children of God are meant to intervene on. The devil is coming, he is trying for us, he is trying for the distracted ones, he is trying for the people not paying attention, the vulnerable ones. He is trying for us, for me and he is trying for you.

It’s our responsibility to be aware of the world that we’re a part of. The bigger picture. It’s about being aware that your life somehow fits into the puzzle of the person’s life sitting beside you. That you are a small yet extremely important fixture in it all.

I am thankful for my God, my Father – because he has created all things.

I am thankful for starry nights – because they remind me that I am but a small part of God’s bigger Plan.

I am thankful for my old tempo – because he has gotten me from point A to point B safely (for the most part) for the last 3.5 years.

I am thankful that the tempo has reminded me that even after years of service to two other families – it still played a huge role in growing up for me.

I am thankful for my family – because even though I live away from home, they’re always right there.

I am thankful for my friends – because they talk me down when I stress (B, put your hands down.), they encourage me constantly, they listen when I talk a mile a minute and most times in circles, they laugh when I laugh and cry when I cry. But most of all – they are always up for a last minute impromptu adventures (even when they include parking beside creepy caravans.)

I am thankful for creepy caravans – always keeping me on the look out and my senses heightened.

I am thankful for my job – it keeps me going despite my complaints now and again.

I am thankful for my new washer and dryer – because it allowed me to do my laundry for my upcoming trip in 3 hours instead of 6 – although I’m still working on a bit of my bitterness to the guy who installed it and never turned the water back on which leads me to my next one..

I am thankful for my ninja like skills – climbing and bending into weird positions to try and find the water turn taps – only to find them in plain daylight beside the furnace 10 minutes later.

I am thankful that I live in Canada – where I am proud to be Canadian.

I am thankful that I have a passport – The freedom to go where I please is one that is often overlooked when rummaging through my purse.

I am thankful for old friends – the ones who seem to move in and out but without any seemingly amount of time in between their visits.

I am thankful for my ability to see the world through an artist’s eyes – which I believe to be very similar to God’s perspective on it.

I am thankful for the chilly nights – because they remind me how much I love the sun.

I am thankful for my bed – if you’re lucky enough to have a bed – you’d best be thankful.

I am thankful for the bank truck that stops at the bank across the street at the same time every night – it reminds me that life is moving on – who knew that the sounds of an idling truck would become a comfort sound?

I am thankful.

These last 24 hours have been a struggle to stay calm – with New York looming just around the corner – which is exciting and nerve wracking all at the same time – I found myself trying to remember all of the little things. Let me tell you – it had a wonderful effect. You all should try it.

Retail is hard. Not only do I work in retail but I also work in customer care. I sell cell phones for 3 days out of my week. Hence the “minimum wage” page of my bio.

We have the most ridiculous customers come into the store… I mean ridiculous. I could have a whole blog devoted to customers actions.

Our job here is more than just retail, people expect us to perform miracles. I once had this adorable old man in, who after I loaded up his phone with a prepaid card, he pulled his remote control for his TV out of his pocket. He asked if I could fix his TV for him and handed me the remote. We were in the store…his TV was at home. He said he got it stuck on movie mode. It took me 10 minutes just to explain why I couldn’t fix his TV for him from in the store. We don’t even sell cable through our company here in town…but we wrote out what button may fix it for him for when he got home.

At our store we are sales people, technical support, therapists (separating family plans is always a joy), a face to the big box company, someone to take out your bad day on, family to some and miracle workers to others.

Most days are hard – and I have to admit that I have felt my heart harden over the past 2 and a half years of working here. You have to repeatedly correct customers when they say “you did this, you charged me this much, you are screwing me over.” To “box company did this, box company charged you this much, box company is screwing you over.” It took me a long time to have a day at work where I didn’t tear up from a customer – I always took everything personally.

After the last year I recognized that within my personal life, as well as my work life, I needed help. I couldn’t do it alone. I couldn’t handle the stress and communication of everyday life – in all of my relationships. I emailed my pastor and asked for names of a counselor. I was nervous. He gave me two names and where they were located.

I was stressing. What if I chose the wrong one? Will I know? How will I know? What if I don’t actually need it? Am I being dramatic? What if they feel like I’m just wasting their time?

My family was in full support of me seeking counseling. I never really shared why but that wasn’t the point of it – they knew that it was the healthy decision no matter what I was facing. I had spoken with my sister before calling to the counsellors, letting out my last stresses about it and she said “Brenna, if it’s not right then God will show you.” And I said “Okay, you’re right”.

So I called the one that seemed best suited to my needs (although when reading the bio I felt the other one seemed more to my personality.) But this ones credentials seemed right. So I called her. Turns out she was out of the office for the next three weeks. And there I had it – door closed. I called through to the second one (whom I felt was more fitting to me) but her specialty was family counseling. I explained my situations — through tears as I always cry when describing anything at all — and she was more than happy to see me.

She was awesome. She walked me through a lot of thick stuff. One main thing that she helped me understand was taking an issue, letting it get to the tip of your heart then turn it upwards towards God. Take it, listen to the issue and turn it upwards – because whatever the issue may be it is not a burden for your heart to carry, so don’t even let it get there.

I talk a lot. But I’m not one to tell people I went to counseling. I always felt like it was putting a big red dot on my chest saying “I’m screwed up. I’m unstable.” But here I am telling the world because I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not demeaning to go counselling, it is not a negative thing, it is a positive thing. I recognized that I needed help – and I was either going to deal with the issue now while I’m young and unmarried or 15 years down the road in family counseling with my most likely future ex husband and children, letting it tear my future apart. And I wasn’t going to have that. I want to be able to move forward into my future as a whole – not shattered into different pieces trying to tell myself that a man can put me back together. Who am I to put that burden on another?

If you need help, seek it. From my experience with counseling and in my non-professional opinion, everyone probably needs it at some point in their lives. If you’re considering it, do it. Might I have one suggestion for you though? If you’re a Christian or seeking Christian values – find a church, find a counselor at a church or who works with a church. It was really important to me, and where I saw my life heading that I have someone leading me in the values that I was aiming for.

I read this pin on Pinterest the other day (almost all of my sentences start with this in my daily conversation) that said, “The hardest part of my day was being nice to stupid people “. Haha now I’m not trying to call anyone stupid, because we are all fearfully and wonderfully made, but it did make me laugh. My co-worker and I both got a chuckle out of it. It was relatable and sometimes too true. Please pray for me to have patience to deal with customers who try mine, as well as the words to help calm those troubled minds.

And also for us all to be thankful for the job that puts a roof over our heads, and food (although for me it’s a small amount of food, it’s still there) on our tables.

When I started this blog I thought that it would just be a great way to get my thoughts out, maybe pull myself together a bit. I’ve found that instead, blogging has become almost a full-time job. I find myself constantly thinking about what I’m going to blog about next, making mental notes when I feel something is important enough to share.

A couple of weeks ago I was sitting beside my dear sister in the hospital. She had the flu. She had the IV and at that moment she was resting. It’s nice to see her have a bit of peace after the previous couple of days. The night before the hospital she was sick every hour…literally, 11:45,12:45,1:45, so on and so forth. Every time I’d hear her start to moan I’d pray to myself,  God give her peace, mostly for herself, but also for me as I’d stayed the night at my parents to be with her and I knew my alarm would be going off early (there’s my itty bitty selfish heart that we’re working on). By about 4:00 am as I heard her start to moan and was getting up to check on her, I was angry with God – why are you ignoring me?! I asked you to give her peace and you haven’t yet.

But he finally had. He answered me, just not on my timing. Sitting there in the hospital I saw everyone including myself expecting instant results. Why isn’t the doctor here now, why is she still sitting here? I think of the hospital a lot like a church, where the sick come to be healed, the suffering comes to be free and where the weary come to find rest. You don’t come to the hospital because you’re healthy, you come because you recognize that you need help. Some people see themselves as being too far gone – that’s how I saw myself.

I only felt comfortable in the church when I thought that I was right, when I thought that I was going in the right direction. There was a point where whenever I’d go to church I feel like people were staring and whispering (look, theres B, haven’t seen her in a while, wonder where she’s been? Can’t be good…) I felt like every person could peer right into my soul. That is nerve-wracking. I felt like everyone thought that I had made a mistake by taking the path that I did even though I know that if I would have stayed where I was then I would have been even further away…and in a whole lot deeper than I am now. Sometimes church doesn’t notice the hurt in their own sheep, and sometimes even make it worse.

When did church become a place that the hurting felt the need to hide? Can I just make a point and say that it is not right. If you are hurting or struggling don’t hide – you’re not the only one. So stop telling yourself that you are.

You are not going to walk into a church, snap your fingers and expect life to be perfect. You don’t become a christian because you are perfect. You become one because you recognize that you’re not. You accept that you need help, and that you have a God shaped hole in your heart that you need and desire to be filled.

Just like the hospital with the doctors, God doesn’t always answer in the way or timing that we’d like. The emergency room couldn’t bring her out of the waiting room because her place hadn’t been prepared, it wasn’t her time to go in yet. It was going to be on their timing not hers.

We just had to trust that they knew best, and they did.

Let go. Fear less. Trust God more.

“You eat oranges seductively, you’d better watch who you eat those around.”

Those were the words coming out of my ever so hilarious friend. It was funny, and we laughed – really, my sister and I chuckled for quite some time afterwards, repeating it in the nonchalant, kind of concerned, cute little smirk on the face kind of tone he uses. I love his humour.

Of course he meant it in a humorous way. That was how I took it and I’m 98% sure that I don’t eat oranges seductively but it did get me thinking do we watch what we do, and in front of who?

Sex sells. Everyone knows this unfortunate fact. We’ve all seen it, and probably used it to our advantage a time or two (eh ladies? Am I right?) I used to serve tables at a local hotel – mostly weddings and functions. I learned very quickly that a lot of men can be very terrible to deal with. I once was called out to clean up a glass that a man purposely dropped on the floor just to watch me bend over and clean it up, another asked me to be in a threesome with himself and his girlfriend (who was sitting beside him), needless to say she was mortified. And I received a pretty impressive apology tip at the end of the evening. I took it, smiled and moved on. I often thought if it was something I did (I mean, who can resist that penguin looking outfit?).

I didn’t take me long after a bad relationship to catch onto how to get a free drink at the bar. I watched girls slowly move around the bar, flashing their smiles, flipping their hair and laughing at every word that came flowing out of a mans mouth, and there appeared their free drink. I wasn’t super great at it, mostly ended up with the sympathy drink from the friend of the guy who was going for my friend, but I smiled, accepted the drink, batted my eyelashes and made friendly conversation.

I learned that meeting men in bars – was rarely, if ever going to have a good outcome.

Sex sells, but what are we selling? Ourselves? Our respect?

There are a million and one articles you can read, and even more inspirational quotes you can hang on the wall, but the fact is that until you’re in it, you’re not going to know how to fight it. For me personally, by the time I realized what I was fighting, the war was mostly over – and not in my favour.

I wasn’t strong when it hit me. I was vulnerable and I was lost – which is no excuse, mind you – I always thought that I was prepared. I read books, articles and quotes thinking that if I knew it in my mind, then I would act appropriately and to my standards when it did. But I made one major mistake – my heart was unprepared.

I fell into the misconception that what I am worth could be tallied, added up and processed by others – and that it would determine who I was, and into which category I would fall – acceptable or non.

There is only one man who knows my worth, and it is not determined by anyone of them here on Earth. Because my worth is not of this world.

This is one quote that actually matters.

“37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 8:37-39 (NIV)

And.. you should also listen to this song. It was the first song on the album (All Sons and Daughters). At first I was annoyed – I always get like this with the first song on a CD, like come on, get to the song that I purchased the CD for! But then I actually listened to it. Changed everything.

http://youtu.be/qXqvJb_IGak